Modified Bed Rest + Tons of Water =

an increase in amniotic fluid! The fluid around Baby B increased to a 5 as of yesterday. Yay!

My OB did an anatomy scan of both babies. Everything looked great. All their organs and body parts looked just as they should. They still weren't cooperating on camera and we don't have a solid gender prediction for Baby B, but he was convinced A was a girl last time. But for right now, healthy is all I need to know.  Baby B is only 10% smaller than A, which is a big improvement from a month ago.

I have to continue modified bed rest and drink as much water as I can. I am really thankful my bosses let me telework from my recliner full time. I have a follow up with the MFM on December 6th for another anatomy scan. My OB feels like having a second set of eyes and a fluid check is a good idea.

So... hopefully I am in for an uneventful and boring 3 weeks. :)

Bad news, yet again.

Apparently I got too excited after my last good appointment. Reality had to come back and smack me in the face. I had another ultrasound with my OB yesterday. Baby A looks fantastic and is officially a girl! However that Baby B is back to it's old tricks again. Apparently the fluid level around that baby is drastically low (2.9). Anything under 8 is considered low. If it gets much lower they are going to either hospitalize me to try and keep me from going into pre-term labor or they may even have to perform a surgery to try and fix the low fluid problem (I'm too scared to Google what kind of surgery this may be). 

I have no idea about any of this and they didn't get me much information other than to go home, be on modified bed rest again, and drink as much water as I can handle. I have been on Google trying to see what could be the cause of this and what the potential outcome could be and it scared the hell out of me. Basically, if my fluid drops much below 2 that baby will not be able to stay in there and I could loose both of them. One baby is measuring 20 weeks and the other 19w3d, so I still have a good 15 weeks to go and I am having serious doubts that these little ones will make it that far. I'm scared that something is going to happen and they will be born extremely premature and I am even more scared that they won't make it to viability. 

I know there is nothing that I can do but rest and drink water. But I just feel so helpless. Next fluid check and ultrasound is on the 14th. 

Cautiously Optimistic

I had another appointment with the OB yesterday and I am starting to get a little optimistic about this pregnancy. I had a little black-out moment at work when I stood up so I called my OB. Since I had an appointment that day already scheduled, he just told me to come in so he could see how I was doing. They did an u/s and both babies looked very good. They were moving and waving and had good heartbeats. He could also see the little sacs of their stomachs (which I guess is some milestone). Baby A measured 17w and Baby B measured 16w3d, so things are right on track! My blood pressure was high and he thinks I am a little dehydrated. So he sent me home and told me to relax and drink water. I did finally gain some weight this week. So that's basically it. I go back in another 2 weeks for a quick ultrasound and then my anatomy scan is scheduled for November 14th.

I am starting to feel them move more and more. My uterus is measuring 6 weeks ahead so it looks/feels like I am 23 weeks pregnant. I personally just think I look like my fat is pushed out but people at work and other places are stopping me and asking me how far along I am, so I guess I do look pregnant. So far the funniest moments are when they will both be still and one will move and suddenly the other starts to move like crazy. I think they like to wake each other up and have little cage fights.

We just found out we will be providing respite care for Baby K from November 6-9th. I'm excited to see her again and I am sure she has changed and grown a lot in a month!

Finally, good appointment! Goodbye to Baby K :(

I saw the OB yesterday afternoon and all is well! My bleeding, while still present, is starting to slow down quite a bit. Both babies were moving and even trying to head butt each other. Apparently sibling rivalry starts early. Baby A was measuring almost 15 weeks and Baby B was just 5 days behind. They aren't worried about B as much because the sac is starting to expand and he/she has move room to move around. It was my first appointment that didn't have a lot of drama and emotion associated with it. It felt so good! My ute is measuring almost 20 weeks! So I look and feel very pregnant. I even felt some movement over the last several days. It's a strange, but wonderful feeling. It's like they are saying "hello mommy... we are hereeeeee!". And they really like Coke Slurpees too...by the way.

The doctor told me I need to start relaxing and work on enjoying being pregnant. I am still having lots of nausea and dizziness, especially in the evening. And I haven't been able to eat. I try really hard but I am down 16 pounds since we did our IVF and have lost 5 pounds in the last 12 days. He said he really isn't worried about me gaining a ton of weight right now, but I need to maintain. So at the suggestion of my wonderful friends I went down and bought myself some "Muscle Milk" today. It is a shake that contains 25g of protein and will give me some nutrients. I didn't love drinking it, but it is better than eating meat!

Today is our last day with Baby K. She is transitioning to her new home at 330pm. I am really sad to see her go, but it was the right decision for all of us. After talking with the social workers we feel like the situation wasn't one we were comfortable with and I just don't have the emotional stability to handle all of this for another 2 years, on top of being pregnant and having newborn twins. We are still going to have contact with her and in fact we are going to babysit for a weekend in November. So we are saying goodbye, but not goodbye forever.

Thanks to all my friends who have been so supportive throughout all these ups and downs. I couldn't have made it this far without you. I know this is far from over and I still have a long way to go, but it really helps just to know I am not alone. Love you all!

And back up we go!

I had my follow up with the specialist today. It appears that the bleeding has stopped and the remaining blood mass has almost worked its way out of my uterus. So that's good news. The other good news is that the NT scans are back on the babies and both of them look "normal". Baby A was measuring 13w1d and Baby B 12w3d. So they are about 5 days apart which is acceptable and considered normal for many twin pregnancies. The specialist says we have no reason to worry at this time and as far as he can tell (today) things are progressing nicely and I am having a normal twin pregnancy. WOW! Talk about the turn around. I can't help but wonder what is going to happen next week. It seems like all this is so up and down. But I am very thankful for the good news today.

Of course with every good news there has to be some bad, right? We have found out a couple of weeks ago that there is some changes going on with the legal case regarding K. I can't really get into too much detail because it's still in courts, but basically we are at a crossroads of whether to continue fostering her, or let her go to another family. We are meeting with social workers this week and are trying to come to the decision that is going to be best for K and us. Ultimately we want whats best for her but we need to protect ourselves as well. Hopefully a decision can be reached that is best for everyone. I will fill in the gaps more when we get things decided.

I don't like roller coasters.

Had my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist today.
Bad news: There is a big bloody mass floating around in my uterus that is not a placenta and is not remains. It is leaking some blood in my ute and that's what caused all of my bleeding the other day. It is more than just blood, it has some kind of hard tissue as well. Next time I pass some they want me to save the tissue so they can test it. 

Good news: This large mass was completely covering Baby B when I went into the ER last week. So Baby B is still alive. The OB's ultrasound equipment couldn't see it because that mass is too dense and it was surrounding it. The MFM had a better machine and was able to do some fancy scan to see behind it today. The NT scans were done and Baby A looks perfect. Baby B is ok, but the sac around it still doesn't look like it should. 

At this point they are very concerned because I am still leaking blood. Since blood is coming out that means that bacteria can go in. They are worried that bacteria is going to go up inside my ute and cause a blood infection that could possibly be fatal to me if undetected. So... I have to go back to the MFM every week until things resolve (if they resolve). He said it is still a 50/50 chance with this pregnancy. I am just tired of this roller coaster. Even though I am happy B is alive, I am still just terrified of not only loosing the babies, but now my own health could be in jeopardy.

And, we wait.

I went in for a follow-up ultrasound this morning. Baby "A" (which we are now going to change to Baby "S" so I don't cry every time I say it and remember there was a "B") ... is doing well. We saw a good heart beat and it was taking a nice nap. I have a picture but I can't scan right now, so I'll have to share later.

The OB saw some other things on the ultrasound that concerned him. He isn't quite sure what is going on and since there is still bleeding on and off, he is sending me to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist on Wednesday. They are going to do an NT scan and some other "fancy" scan that can give us a better idea of what is going on in my ute. He said that things still don't look ideal and we need to continue to monitor the situation closely.

I thought that being 12 weeks pregnant I would feel some relief and happiness. Almost 2nd tri! But alas, I feel just frustrated and unsure of everything. I am tired of the waiting. Tired of the ups and downs. I really hope the MFM tells me that things look great and I no longer need to worry. Until then... as usual... we wait.

Goodbye Baby B. :(

We lost Baby B on Wednesday morning. This is my 6th loss. I was at work, it happened in the bathroom stall. It was terrible. I went into the hospital to meet my OB immediately and they did an ultrasound to confirm that Baby B was gone. I am in shock because just the day before I had seen Baby B on an ultrasound, waving its arm with a good heartbeat. I know the sac still didn't look good and it was measuring a little too far behind, but some part of me still had hope. My OB cancelled the MFM appointment and is going to monitor me himself going forward. I feel good with that.

As if last Wednesday Baby A still alive and looks fine. I should be around 12 weeks on Monday based on our IVF timing. I keep forgetting to ask what Baby A is measuring, but he always tells me there is "appropriate growth". I am back on bed rest (again) and go in on Monday morning (tomorrow) to get another look at Baby A and see how things are going. For now the bleeding has stopped. I have some brown spotting, but that is to be expected. I am no longer having cramps and I still feel the full range of pregnancy symptoms. To my surprise my food aversions and morning sickness have not decreased. I know that's a good sign so we are remaining hopeful.

Thank you for your thoughts and support throughout this rollercoaster. It means a lot to me to know that I have so many wonderful friends. I hope that one day I am able to repay all of you for the kindness and support you have shown me.

Goodbye, sweet Baby B. You will be missed. <3

Update

Sorry I have been MIA. I was put on bed rest a few weeks ago because I started bleeding (hemorraging) in a gas station bathroom on my way to a family reunion. I got to ride in an ambulance. Not as fun as you'd think.

So after 2 weeks of bedrest and 2 ultrasounds, we still don't really have an update on Baby B. Basically it looks bad. Not a healthy sac, no definable yolk sac, placenta abruption, measuring too far behind.. yet it still has a strong heartbeat. Baby A looks perfect and was moving around on the last ultrasound. So our next step is another ultrasound tomorrow morning to see if B is still around. If he/she is, then we have to head to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist to find out what our next step is to protect Baby A and give him/her the best chance. The doctor is convinced that B isn't going to make it and his concern is that B will hang on a little too long and then take A out with it. I'm not sure what to think at this point. Just kinda numb about it all. I'll update tomorrow.

Twins!

Had my u/s this morning and it's twins! Big K and I are very excited, but very nervous to possibly have the blessing of 3 kids under the age of 2. I am terrified, but I know that life doesn't give you more than you can handle.  But the morning sickness is almost unbearable. Hopefully it ends after the first trimester! :)

Baby A is perfect with a hb of 126. Baby B is measuring a week behind and the doc said it could go either way with that one but it also had a hb of 126. Will go back in 2 weeks to see if baby B is still around. Here is a pic, you can see how much smaller the sac is for baby B (on the left) compared to baby A (larger sac on right).

Here is Baby A, measuring perfectly with a heartbeat of 126, all snuggled down in the very corner of my uterus;

And here is Baby B with the same heart rate as Baby A, but measuring a week behind. The doctor said it could go either way but as you can see the sac and baby are much smaller;

She Is Ours!

I am in shock. We went for what we thought was a routine social worker visit this afternoon and we got the news of a lifetime! Grandma is out. Completely denied and will not be considered for adopting baby K!

So now, instead of holding a committee to select her family, the social workers and guardian ad litem have decided that they are going to let the judge terminate parental rights next month as planned and then they only have to wait one more month and they can just automatically pick us.  Apparently since rights will be terminated, no family members are trying (or allowed to try) for custody, and she will have been in our home for 6 months, they don't have to hold a selection committee. Wow. I know the ink isn't dry yet, but the social worker told us that it was a done deal!

She is so beautiful and so sweet. She is perfectly healthy and on target developmentally. She has no health issues. She loves us and we love her. How did we get so lucky? We took a huge chance being foster parents and this has been a roller coaster, but it paid off. It just doesn't seem real yet. We aren't officially announcing until after rights are terminated and we have the official notice that we have been chosen.  But, I can finally stop guarding my heart. What an amazing feeling!

My 3rd and Final Beta Is...

8dp5dt - 87.8
10dp5d - 214.14
20dp5dt - 6487 !!!

Betabase is down, but I used another site and the doubling time is almost exactly 48 hours. I know that it tends to slow down after a certain point so this is really good news! I'll take it! Wow.... on Monday I will be the most pregnant I have ever been. And before this the highest beta I ever had was in the 300's. Is this for real?  First u/s is in 10 days. It's going to be a long wait!
And just for some fun, here is some Alexander Skarsgard to help bring in the weekend... I need to lay off the True Blood episodes. Mmmm mmmm. Yummy!

After 4 Pregnancies with the SOB (Same OB)

... he is finally savvy to my tricks. I called to get an ultrasound next week when I'd be in the middle of my 6th week and he called me back and said that he "knows" my RE's office does an u/s around 7 or 8 weeks and that I need to tough it out and wait until then. I protested and said "what if its another ectopic?", his reply was ... "Yeah, right.. an ectopic with no tubes. That doesn't make sense. Just wait it out." And then he had his nurse offer me a Snickers bar if I behaved and wait until 9 weeks to see him for an u/s. Damn it. He totally has my number. I love Snickers. And honestly, I love my OB and value his opinion. So I will wait. Impatiently. *sigh*

Going to Plan B - getting the RE to do an u/s next week instead of 2/3 weeks from now. I may have to stoop to low levels for this one. Stay tuned...

ETA: Denied at the RE's office too. So it looks liike my first u/s will be in week 7 and my 2nd u/s will be in week 9.  Damn it. 2 or 2.5 more weeks to wait. I wonder if they'll give me a Snickers too? Bastards.

Oh - legal update! Baby K's mom was found guilty on all charges yesterday and received a prison sentence. I can't get into details, but trust me... if you knew what happened you'd be celebrating as much as we are. Baby K is one step closer to a better life!

(My love for Snickers was evident, even as a small child)

I Jinxed Myself

I pulled a total FH move today. And in the process, I likely jinxed myself, my pregnancy and my sanity all in one mouse click. I purchased a doppler. I had to! It called out to me! And I got it for $25! It's a Sonoline B Fetal Doppler 3mhz. Brand new and free shipping. How could I not do it? If this pregnancy doesn't work out, I can give it to one of my deserving friends right? So it won't go to waste. There, I feel better already.

Things seem to be going well. No sign of spotting or cramping, just a dull ache. Usually by 5 weeks I am cramping and my boobs no longer hurt and pregnancy tests start to fade. Then the full-on bleeding starts at 5.5 or 6 weeks. Since I am 5 weeks today and I still feel "pregnant" and I POAS this morning just for fun and it was super dark instantly... I am taking all those as good signs. Plus, my nipples feel like they are on fire and the sides of my boobs feel like someone is jabbing me with a hard object. As any girl with IF or RPL can relate... these are all welcome symptoms!

My RE won't do an u/s until I am 8 or 9 weeks, so of course I took it upon myself to contact my OB today to tell him I am KU again and ask for an u/s next week sometime when I am 6w2d, 3d, or 4d. I am not sure he will be able to do that in such short notice, but at least I tried.

Other than that... I got nuttin'. Seriously uneventful since last week. Should have a beta update on Friday and an adoption update on Monday (a week from today) after our visit with the social worker. Toodles!

The State Grew A Pair!

K's social worker emailed me this today;

"My boss really wants to get this case moving forward.  We will not be resending paperwork to <family member>.  If she would like to get a private home study she is welcome to do so.  I will let you know once we have a selection committee date.  As always let me know if you have questions."

So this is good news - yeah? I mean, she didn't get her paperwork turned in on time and was missing half of it. The State paid for her homestudy and she blew it. Now they are telling her that they paid for it once and gave her a chance, next one is on her. 

I have corresponded via email with this family member and I know that she doesn't have the $$ to pay for a homestudy. She is on a very low, fixed income. I am interested to see what is going to happen between now and the selection committee date. My best guess - all things considered - is she won't have a private homestudy completed in the next month and therefore won't be considered for selection.

Hopefully there won't be another adoption update until our meeting with the social worker in a couple weeks.

Betas In...

At 13 DPO = 87.8
At 15 DPO = 214.14
Doubling time of 36 hours!

I start Lovenox tonight and go in for another blood draw on August 5th.  If the numbers are still doing well then we will schedule an u/s at that point.

And just for comparison sake my last pregnancy my first 2 betas were 12 and 32. And it was something very similar to that for my first IVF (I think 18 and 40). So these numbers are much higher than my "usual".

Damn Relative. And Betas.

I just got a very cryptic email from Baby K's social worker that says "Finally heard from the relative last week. Need to talk to my boss about it.".  Great. That means she is still interested and we are going to have to compete against her for adoption. That just makes me crazy. Why are they giving her so many chances after she has already fucked up? We have 5 really great things about us and she has 1 huge thing.  So are our 5 great things going to outweigh her huge thing... being a blood relative? Either way I just want the roller coaster to be over. I can't wait for that committee next month, so at least we will know.  Maybe Baby K could be happy with her Grandma? I have to tell myself that or I am going to cry myself to sleep every night for the next 17.5 years.  I already feel like she is my daughter. This foster care thing is cruel.

I went in for beta #2 this morning. My clinic has a weird policy that they won't give you the results of beta #1 until after beta #2 numbers come back so they can ensure they double and they don't get your hopes up.  I guess that is kind of a good thing, but I already freakin' know I am pregnant. Part of me feels like screaming at them "ITS MY DAMN BLOOD, GIVE ME MY NUMBERS", but then my mom's voice pops into my head and I control myself (which is hard to do with all these hormones, I might add). I will update with numbers if they call before I leave work this afternoon. I already know my numbers will be doubled...they always are from #1-#2 and usually #3.  Its after that everything takes a dive and I miscarry.

Well, the infertile is pregnant again.

That's right. IVF worked the first, second, and now third time. I obviously don't have issues getting pregnant but my body doesn't want to stay pregnant. I am 4 weeks pregnant today and every time I miscarry its between weeks 6 and 8.  So far I haven't had any major issues. Some strange brown spotting that I have never had before, but no cramping or weird feelings. I wonder if having surgery to completely remove my tubes and taking blood thinning injections again will finally solve the problem? I am actually really low key about everything this time. My second beta is tomorrow and I should know if my numbers doubled by tomorrow afternoon. I think the prospect of being able to adopt Baby K makes me feel more at ease with never having a biological child.  Sure, I'd love to have a cute little boy that looks like Big K running around the house, but I am ok if it doesn't happen.  I know that someday we will be able to adopt from foster care and complete our family. I just hope that day is near!

I just want to be a mom. Baby K is fitting right in with our family and to her, I AM mom, which is an amazing feeling. We haven't heard anything from the social worker in awhile. The out-of-state relative supposedly has stopped responding to the workers attempts at contacting her. They are going to hold a committee in mid-August to pick a permanent family for K. It will be our homestudy vs. two others (chosen at random I guess). I would think that since we already have her in our home and she is doing great it would be a no-brainer. But then again, I am not sure how this stuff all works and if the relative decides to throw their hat in at the last minute that could change everything (they prefer to place kids with their birth families).  The TPR trial is set for mid-September. The workers fully expect rights to be terminated but they also expect the family to appeal which could drag out the adoption process another 6 months to a year.  So at the earliest we can adopt her is October (if no appeal and we get picked to be her perm family). That's kind of exciting! But the prospect of having it drag out for another year is not-so-exciting.

Other than that I got nuttin'. Big K works from 4p to 11p tonight and I get home around 330pm so I won't get to see him at all today. Maybe 10 minutes in passing. Then it's Baby K and I hanging out until bed time. Maybe we will go to the Y and take a dip in the pool? They said no exercise until my u/s... but that's not really exercise.. right? :)

It's Either Therapy Or This.

Well, I finally gave in. I needed a safe place to vent/laugh/cuss/ramble/invent/bitch/moan and now I have it. My very own blog. Wow. Time to go figure out how this all works...